Divorce, Depression and Gray Pubes

This post is rated TMI (to much information) Read at your own risk.

September 4, 2008 at 2:38 pm (TMI) (TMI)

My husband and I have been separated for 9 months now and I still have a hard time believing it sometimes

Things had been rough on and off between my husband and I for a while, Of course our relationship had been through so many difficult things.  8 years of TTC (trying to conceive), one year separation while he was in Iraq, frequent shorter separations while he traveled with work, a miscarriage where he wasn’t there for me when it happened etc..  We had both changed so much in the last 10 years that we really didn’t have much in common anymore.

·         He preferred to go out (a lot), and I’m a serious homebody.

·         He was wondering if he even wanted children and not having children wasn’t an option for me.

·         He LOVED his travel and his job and wanted to stay overseas until retirement, I wanted to go home and be near family and own my own house and land.

·         He thought pets weren’t worth the trouble and I felt deprived living with only a kitty.

·         He was happy enough seeing family every couple of years, I need and want family around me.

·         He was very social and extraverted, I hated the political scene that went along with his job.

·         He made friends easily and it usually takes me years and by the time I found one we had to move countries.

The list goes on, I also feel he was having real issues with my weight and I just can’t seem to lose it.  As anyone who has been through years of TTC, it does tend to make a girl pack on the pounds, as well as the years of depression I’ve had along with it.  Excuses I know, but I know I have some food issues, food is a comfort, sweets are an addiction.   *sigh*

Anyway, for some years our sex life had gone downhill very badly.  I’m the only woman I know who has had to beg for it every time, and believe me that gets really old. In the last year together even begging didn’t work most time, he simply had no sexual desire for me, my sex life consisted of latex toys.

The six months before we separated in January we had probably had sex twice, maybe three times and those encounters were seriously lacking. It brings to mind that phrase, “he just isn’t into her anymore”.  I have really struggled with this, having already had my fair share of self image issues this rejection by the man I had faithfully loved and followed for half of my life really hurt me deeply.

My analytical nature drives me to try to figure out why. I’ve asked him over and over and all he can say is he doesn’t know why he doesn’t love me anymore. I can only guess and who knows if I am even close to the mark, I think it has to do with many things, such as: Years living in Asia where thin petite Asian women are constantly throwing themselves at the big handsome American. The fact that I’m the only woman he had ever had sex with and his curiosity and desire for more was driving him to want more/other sex partners.  AndI believe my ‘artsy’ nature was a turn off, he disliked my tattoo and hated the idea that I want another one. He didn’t like it when I had my hair short and pink, didn’t like it when I ‘acted weird’ and never approved of my ‘weird’ friends.

I tried very hard to be the wife he wanted for many years, but as I grew older my own personality began to assert itself more and more and that is when we began to realize how different we were, how much we had grown apart.  I think sometimes I was an embarrassment to him in the Diplomatic world.  Maybe he wants a trophy wife, someone he can ‘show off’?

I can look back now and see that I had not received the kind of love I needed from him since the very early years of our marriage and I was unhappy with that.  I want to be adored and his love for me never had that quality.  For years he wouldn’t hold hands, hardly ever kissed and I had to force him to snuggle me.  Is it really so much for a woman to want to feel adored and truly loved by her mate?

Of course none of this changes the fact that I still love him terribly, I think I always will.  I miss him so much and can barely have a conversation on the phone with him without crying.  He has a girlfriend now, a thai woman and the thought of him in the arms of another woman makes me feel sick to my stomach.   God.. I wish I knew how to get over him, how to stop loving him so much it hurts.  He is so handsome and so well hung and I miss his laugh,  his smell and his cock.   : (

~S