~Sanorah

I’m working now at least.  I’m the admin for a very small insurance agency, the whole operation is just me and the agent. Its pathetic money but at least its some and the agent is really a sweet girl and easy to work for and with.

The thing that I’m really excited about though, is that I’ve decided to open a used bookstore!  If you think it’s a horrible idea, just keep it to yourself for now please, I’ve gotten enough negativity about it and I’m a little bit fragile at the moment, so please just hold those ‘it’s a bad idea’ comments for now.  Let me tell you why I’m going to do this.

Firstly, yes there already is a used bookstore in my city, and I’m not certain if the town is big enough for the both of us (hehe, always wanted to say that).  But I everyone I have talked to, (EVERYONE!) hates that bookstore.  It’s the classic old style used bookstore, meaning its several rooms stacked full of so much stuff you can hardly find a path through it all with unorganized sections. You can’t find what you are looking for there and when you ask the owner he will make a ‘small’ effort but most of the times fails to find what you want either. I’ve talked to the owner and he is ‘anti-internet’, and thinks the internet is killing the book store business instead of taking this opportunity to use the internet to sell of things that have been sitting around his store for 10 years. He has no idea what he even has in his store. He also has a young child that he frequently lets run wild in the store and there is always food and such all over the floor and books.  Honestly the store kinda grosses me out.

I said all of this to let you know how I want my bookstore to be different than his.

I hope to make a used bookstore with a ‘new’ bookstore feel.  I want it to be open and airy and well lit, above all it will be clean and well organized.  I will have a computerized inventory of course and so will be able to tell my customers if I have what they are looking for in stock.  If I don’t I can do special orders from online. I will also sell/buy online to help keep my inventory fresh.  I’ve done a lot of research on this, its something I’ve always thought I would enjoy (I did actually manage a bookstore abut 11 years ago) and it’s a relatively low cost to start this business up and I really think I can make a go at it.  I’m not talking bug bucks or anything, but I’m hoping to at least make a meager living with this venture.   

I’m telling friends and family and asking for book donations, I’ve already started buying books online and writing a business plan.  It may take me a year to gather what I need to start this store (I’m hoping it wont be that long but preparing myself for if it is.).

If anyone has any experience in this area I’d love to hear from you.

~Sanorah

 I’m doing better emotionally now. (Instead of crying every night I only cry a couple times a month)   Financially is a different matter all together…    : (

I’m trying to figure out some way to make a living and it is proving much tougher than I even imagined.  I’m 37 with a college degree and can’t find a job within 50 miles of where my family lives that pays more than $9.00 an hour.  Ugh..  That doesn’t even come close to paying the bills.

The nice thing is being close to my family though.  I LOVE getting to see my sister often, I missed her so much when I was living overseas.

I know this was a pathetic little post.. but I’ll post more later, promise.

~S

Things had been rough on and off between my husband and I for a while, Of course our relationship had been through so many difficult things.  8 years of TTC (trying to conceive), one year separation while he was in Iraq, frequent shorter separations while he traveled with work, a miscarriage where he wasn’t there for me when it happened etc..  We had both changed so much in the last 10 years that we really didn’t have much in common anymore.

·         He preferred to go out (a lot), and I’m a serious homebody.

·         He was wondering if he even wanted children and not having children wasn’t an option for me.

·         He LOVED his travel and his job and wanted to stay overseas until retirement, I wanted to go home and be near family and own my own house and land.

·         He thought pets weren’t worth the trouble and I felt deprived living with only a kitty.

·         He was happy enough seeing family every couple of years, I need and want family around me.

·         He was very social and extraverted, I hated the political scene that went along with his job.

·         He made friends easily and it usually takes me years and by the time I found one we had to move countries.

The list goes on, I also feel he was having real issues with my weight and I just can’t seem to lose it.  As anyone who has been through years of TTC, it does tend to make a girl pack on the pounds, as well as the years of depression I’ve had along with it.  Excuses I know, but I know I have some food issues, food is a comfort, sweets are an addiction.   *sigh*

Anyway, for some years our sex life had gone downhill very badly.  I’m the only woman I know who has had to beg for it every time, and believe me that gets really old. In the last year together even begging didn’t work most time, he simply had no sexual desire for me, my sex life consisted of latex toys.

The six months before we separated in January we had probably had sex twice, maybe three times and those encounters were seriously lacking. It brings to mind that phrase, “he just isn’t into her anymore”.  I have really struggled with this, having already had my fair share of self image issues this rejection by the man I had faithfully loved and followed for half of my life really hurt me deeply.

My analytical nature drives me to try to figure out why. I’ve asked him over and over and all he can say is he doesn’t know why he doesn’t love me anymore. I can only guess and who knows if I am even close to the mark, I think it has to do with many things, such as: Years living in Asia where thin petite Asian women are constantly throwing themselves at the big handsome American. The fact that I’m the only woman he had ever had sex with and his curiosity and desire for more was driving him to want more/other sex partners.  AndI believe my ‘artsy’ nature was a turn off, he disliked my tattoo and hated the idea that I want another one. He didn’t like it when I had my hair short and pink, didn’t like it when I ‘acted weird’ and never approved of my ‘weird’ friends.

I tried very hard to be the wife he wanted for many years, but as I grew older my own personality began to assert itself more and more and that is when we began to realize how different we were, how much we had grown apart.  I think sometimes I was an embarrassment to him in the Diplomatic world.  Maybe he wants a trophy wife, someone he can ‘show off’?

I can look back now and see that I had not received the kind of love I needed from him since the very early years of our marriage and I was unhappy with that.  I want to be adored and his love for me never had that quality.  For years he wouldn’t hold hands, hardly ever kissed and I had to force him to snuggle me.  Is it really so much for a woman to want to feel adored and truly loved by her mate?

Of course none of this changes the fact that I still love him terribly, I think I always will.  I miss him so much and can barely have a conversation on the phone with him without crying.  He has a girlfriend now, a thai woman and the thought of him in the arms of another woman makes me feel sick to my stomach.   God.. I wish I knew how to get over him, how to stop loving him so much it hurts.  He is so handsome and so well hung and I miss his laugh,  his smell and his cock.   : (

~S

I’ve moved back to Oklahoma to be near family and am having a hard time finding work. Even when I find work my salary will always be a fraction of what my husband and I made overseas.  I can barely support myself and adoption is so VERY expensive.

I have wanted to adopt for years, even before we know my husband had an infertility problem, now I’m trying to get over that Idea a little bit.  I just don’t see how I could make it happen.

Instead, even though I will be 37 next month, I hope that someday in the not too distant future I can try my hand at getting pregnant again.

I wasn’t able mentally to blog for some time.  My husband and I broke up in January.   We aren’t divorced yet because without his medical insurance I would be in a tough situation so we are trying to wait until I can find a decent job with my own insurance before we do the legal process.

In Ok I would be lucky to make 30k a year but the way things are looking I can’t even find anything in my families local area to make that.  Less than 30k a year leaves no room for a Thai adoption that from the US would run somewhere around 20k.

Ok I’m rambling sorta now so I’m going to give it up.  We’ll come back to these subjects later I’m sure.

~S

The first was a sarcastic (and hopefully humorous) telling of my struggle to get pregnant by a man with dismal sperm.

The second was a gushy love filled tribute to the adoption process we had started and the dreams of my future daughter.

This one is about the pain of it all ending, my husband deciding he doesn’t love me anymore and me having to end our adoption process because of a pending divorce. It’s about feeling betrayed because he said it was forever and for 18 years I believed that. It’s about trying to get over having my heart set on having a beautiful thai daughter. It’s also about trying to find something within myself strong enough to help me survive.

 In the other two blogs I had been able to maintain a bit of humor and to let my sarcastic views show through.  It may take me a while to bring any of that levity into this blog, first I have to find my way out of this pit of self pity and depression I’ve fallen into.

Now where the hell are those grapples!

~S

August 23, 2008 at 7:51 pm

I’m so sad this morning.

Some days I just feel so sad, I can’t seem to control my tears.

I just want to hide away in my bed. 

It makes me thankful for my dog, she needs me.

Thanks Nova

In January my husband of 19 years decided he didn’t love me anymore , since then I’ve been struggling with sporadic depression and to top it all off, I found grey pubes just a few weeks after we split up.  I of course blame those on Him. 

Ugh.. I don’t know whether to laugh or cry. (I think I’ll try both).

The up side is I still have chocolate and i’m still in denial about my how fat my ass has gotten.